Ever since Kelowna, I changed. I changed from the happygolucky kid to this depressed sack of shit. What changed? Or was I always this way? There are so many things I have not accomplished in this basketcase life of mine but there have also been so many things I have accomplished: I ran two technically successful writers' groups. The first one in Kelowna didn't last long so that's why it's technical. Of course, my presence there was also technical. The one at York, still works. Sure, my V.P. has now taken charge since I've retired from life but hey, it's a big job running a group especially for a job where my only pay was writing and feedback. I'm still alive. That's a HUGE accomplishment. I don't know, I've gone to school, I've written many books. Nothing published, but still. I have a great group of friends and I'm loved. Yeah, those are good things. Then are the bad things: I'm not published, I'm still single, I still live at home, and I'm still unemployed. Oh yeah, and I don't give a shit about anything.
So what changed? I grew up. I realized life isn't a fucking box of chocolates, it's a toxic wastebin of shit. Sometimes and sometimes not and for me right now, it's all the time. Why? Because I don't care. I already wrote that above. Sorry, I don't give a shit. Seriously, idiots, read between the lines or at least understand the definition of "synonyms" or "rephrasal". Oh, that's not a word? Fuck you, Firefox.
Let's look at my life so far: as a child I was happy because I didn't know what sadness was. When I was in elementary school apparently I was bullied but I was blind to it. In middle school, I wrote my first novel and had my first real crush. She didn't like me and I moved on, but I was famous in my school or at least in my classroom. Everyone knew who I was because of a fucking book. That is pretty cool. High school, I was popular. Maybe not as popular as the popular kids but I was popular. I even had a girlfriend for the close of high school. She dumped me, but the whole relationship was a lie anyway. Well, in my perspective. Then, I'm finally tired of my education and travel with two guys: one a friend and one not. And as the travelling progressed I realized that I really hated this man. Then my friend leaves and so does the annoying person so I'm stuck in Europe alone. Then I got sad. I got really sad. Probably depressed is a good word. There were so many memorable moments on my trip that I wanted to share my experiences with. A girl preferably, but anyone would do. But a part of me realized I was alone and I would remain alone for most of the trip. Sure, I had the odd travel buddy because I'm very likable. But soon they disappeared and so did I. Dating would have been a stupid because I knew I wouldn't find my true love on a trip. Besides, what if I did fall in love? How would that even work out? No. I knew I needed to find my soulmate in Toronto. I think I knew that was how it had to be. Then university happened and I went to Kelowna where I met Mariah who tricked me into loving her even though I already sort of had a crush on her. Then I had a mental breakdown and thought I was involved in some conspiracy that all the smart people tried to deny and hoped I would soon deny. It's called a mental breakdown for a reason!
Anyway, I soon got over that and the fact that the rest of my education would be continued in Toronto so I accepted York with shrugged arms. Then I met Christie and I realized that I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep tricking myself into loving someone. I either loved them or I didn't. And if they didn't love me, but I loved them, so be it. I was tired of sitting in the backseat. I know the backseat too well and I thought it was about damn time I became the driver or at least the passenger. So I grabbed the steering and even though I crashed multiple times, I kept crashing into Christie. And she liked it. I mean, who doesn't love attention? Really? You have a problem. Don't worry, so do I. Different problem but we can work it out. We have meetings every Wednesday. That's today? You're in luck, Chuck.
Then there was Priscila but that was never really a thing because that girl thought I was too clingy. Well, I was. But so is Christie. She clung onto me because she needed me and I needed her. And finally I realized that I didn't care if Christie and I dated. Finally I decided that I didn't give a fuck if anyone loved me or if anyone dated me. I just knew I had found my soulmate because of all the times Christie and I crashed into each other even if I was the one doing the crashing. My best friend, my love of my life. I knew I was right. Christie kept trying to correct me but I had learned that the heart knows what it wants and no one can sway you away from that. Christie could've left me. I was waiting for that day actually. But again, I had to initiate that. So I did. I went completely ballistic on Facebook and Christie got rid of me. Mission accomplished?
Yeah, technically so. She was free and I was free. But I was broken and could never be repaired without Christie's love. And she knew it and I knew it but she couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't have a best friend cling to her thinking of the what-ifs even though she had thought of them too. She fucking cried when I brought up marriage! MARRIAGE! As my friend Whitney facebooked me, THAT'S A BIG DEAL! It was and still is. Christie shrugged it off as her being emotional and having anxiety but I knew that was bullshit. Yes, Christie has anxiety but she also loved me. Probably still does. You never really get over someone you truly, truly love. And Christie truly, truly loved me. But maybe she loves someone more than me and that's why we're not together. She could not fall madly in love with but I could and did and still am in love with her. I guess this is my punishment from God. Sorry, Mate. I'm not sure what I did wrong but I guess it was bad.
With writes,
-Andy Ruffett
So what changed? I grew up. I realized life isn't a fucking box of chocolates, it's a toxic wastebin of shit. Sometimes and sometimes not and for me right now, it's all the time. Why? Because I don't care. I already wrote that above. Sorry, I don't give a shit. Seriously, idiots, read between the lines or at least understand the definition of "synonyms" or "rephrasal". Oh, that's not a word? Fuck you, Firefox.
Let's look at my life so far: as a child I was happy because I didn't know what sadness was. When I was in elementary school apparently I was bullied but I was blind to it. In middle school, I wrote my first novel and had my first real crush. She didn't like me and I moved on, but I was famous in my school or at least in my classroom. Everyone knew who I was because of a fucking book. That is pretty cool. High school, I was popular. Maybe not as popular as the popular kids but I was popular. I even had a girlfriend for the close of high school. She dumped me, but the whole relationship was a lie anyway. Well, in my perspective. Then, I'm finally tired of my education and travel with two guys: one a friend and one not. And as the travelling progressed I realized that I really hated this man. Then my friend leaves and so does the annoying person so I'm stuck in Europe alone. Then I got sad. I got really sad. Probably depressed is a good word. There were so many memorable moments on my trip that I wanted to share my experiences with. A girl preferably, but anyone would do. But a part of me realized I was alone and I would remain alone for most of the trip. Sure, I had the odd travel buddy because I'm very likable. But soon they disappeared and so did I. Dating would have been a stupid because I knew I wouldn't find my true love on a trip. Besides, what if I did fall in love? How would that even work out? No. I knew I needed to find my soulmate in Toronto. I think I knew that was how it had to be. Then university happened and I went to Kelowna where I met Mariah who tricked me into loving her even though I already sort of had a crush on her. Then I had a mental breakdown and thought I was involved in some conspiracy that all the smart people tried to deny and hoped I would soon deny. It's called a mental breakdown for a reason!
Anyway, I soon got over that and the fact that the rest of my education would be continued in Toronto so I accepted York with shrugged arms. Then I met Christie and I realized that I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep tricking myself into loving someone. I either loved them or I didn't. And if they didn't love me, but I loved them, so be it. I was tired of sitting in the backseat. I know the backseat too well and I thought it was about damn time I became the driver or at least the passenger. So I grabbed the steering and even though I crashed multiple times, I kept crashing into Christie. And she liked it. I mean, who doesn't love attention? Really? You have a problem. Don't worry, so do I. Different problem but we can work it out. We have meetings every Wednesday. That's today? You're in luck, Chuck.
Then there was Priscila but that was never really a thing because that girl thought I was too clingy. Well, I was. But so is Christie. She clung onto me because she needed me and I needed her. And finally I realized that I didn't care if Christie and I dated. Finally I decided that I didn't give a fuck if anyone loved me or if anyone dated me. I just knew I had found my soulmate because of all the times Christie and I crashed into each other even if I was the one doing the crashing. My best friend, my love of my life. I knew I was right. Christie kept trying to correct me but I had learned that the heart knows what it wants and no one can sway you away from that. Christie could've left me. I was waiting for that day actually. But again, I had to initiate that. So I did. I went completely ballistic on Facebook and Christie got rid of me. Mission accomplished?
Yeah, technically so. She was free and I was free. But I was broken and could never be repaired without Christie's love. And she knew it and I knew it but she couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't have a best friend cling to her thinking of the what-ifs even though she had thought of them too. She fucking cried when I brought up marriage! MARRIAGE! As my friend Whitney facebooked me, THAT'S A BIG DEAL! It was and still is. Christie shrugged it off as her being emotional and having anxiety but I knew that was bullshit. Yes, Christie has anxiety but she also loved me. Probably still does. You never really get over someone you truly, truly love. And Christie truly, truly loved me. But maybe she loves someone more than me and that's why we're not together. She could not fall madly in love with but I could and did and still am in love with her. I guess this is my punishment from God. Sorry, Mate. I'm not sure what I did wrong but I guess it was bad.
With writes,
-Andy Ruffett
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