So I've pissed my parents off and therefore I'm pissed off so therefore I don't eat because they didn't order me any takeout Indian food because I'm being a little bitch.
I guess it serves me right. Ever since my best friend left (Christie), my life has been one downfall after another. That's not true. There have been good times but the bad ones trump the good ones. Let's list them, shall we?
I'm unemployed and I don't care, I'm angry most of the time, I avoid most of my friends now, I go to bed whenever I want, sometimes I can't fall asleep, and masturbate too much. Why? Why am I doing this to myself?! Is this really about Christie or something more? Was I already a ticking timebomb waiting to go off? Or did I do this to myself? Both actually.
Before Christie, there were other girls. A lot of other girls, but I didn't sleep with them because I'm a decent idiot. I'm still a fucking virgin and I did this to myself. I could've slept with a woman. Easily. Well, maybe not that easily but I could've done it. But I needed to feel love, true love. I never felt that with anyone except Christie and Mariah. But I was brainwashed when I fell in love with Mariah and therefore I was not in love with Mariah. But I did fall for Christie hard. At first, I didn't even know she existed and then when I did I woke up. And when we became best friends, I thought that was awesome. But then I fell in love with her. And that is stupid when the other best friend doesn't love you that way. You rip out your heart, hand it to her, and all you get is a thanks and instructions to put it back in place.
Well, I never put it back. In fact, I threw it in the trash and I haven't retrieved it since. You see, with Christie: she was everything I wanted and needed. A best friend and a girl who actually loved me. Maybe not the way I wanted but she still loved me. She even said the words, "I love you" to me. Wrong context, but the words were the same words.
It's probably insulting to even mention any of these girls names but the only reason I mention Christie as an actual person and not just label her "the girl who got away" or "my lost soulmate" or "the tragic removal of the love my life" is because Christie is more than a label, she's a girl. A beautiful girl who I will never get over because I don't want to. All those songwriters that sing about how she was the one are liars when they find another one and then complain when she goes away. What went wrong? You didn't keep your vow you stupid motherfucker. You see, you only fall in love once and then after that you're just trying to gain back what you used to have with that special someone that broke your heart or died. It's one or the other. Sometimes it's both though.
So yeah, I'm miserable. I'm FUCKING MISERABLE! And I want to be this way. And you know what? Christie understood that because she was always sad. She was a sad messed up girl. Now, now she's better I think. But what the fuck do I know? We're not friends anymore. I just pray that she fixed herself and from my Twitter and Tumblr stalking (yep, I have a problem. Probably should be hospitalized) she's seems happy. And that's basically what I wanted: for her to be happy. Me? Fuck me. Not literally. I have never really cared about me. I just wanted someone to care about me because I can't really do it. With help I could. And Christie was my help and then she left and I was back to SQUARE ONE.
No, I'm not going to commit suicide because I still ironically love myself too much to do it but I don't really care what happens to me. I'll take risks. Sure. I'll take LOTS of risks. I don't give a fuck. Living a life with no risks is boring. But also, you need to know what you want. Daniel Radcliffe said it in an interview about The F. Word. Great movie. Lost it, but that's another story for another chapter. Anyway, Daniel said that the difference between him and Wallace is that Wallace never tries to see if Chantry actually likes him. He never had A) the guts and B) I don't think he really knew how. And for me and Daniel, that would have gotten me so pissed off. Like, what is it, bitch? Do you like me or do you not? Sorry, do you love me or do you not? Well, thankfully we humans don't always have to speak, we can also feel it.
But I got both: Christie did think about us but she didn't want to hurt me. Congrats, you failed. Why? BECAUSE YOU LEFT!
Ah, I don't blame her. I was scared too. But I'm older. Angrier, but older. I don't hate Christie. I can't. I still love her. I'm beginning to hate everybody else though and that's not healthy. I could fix this but I enjoy being broken because Christie was for so long and then she fixed herself. Me, well she won't help me so I guess I'll stay forever broken.
I guess it serves me right. Ever since my best friend left (Christie), my life has been one downfall after another. That's not true. There have been good times but the bad ones trump the good ones. Let's list them, shall we?
I'm unemployed and I don't care, I'm angry most of the time, I avoid most of my friends now, I go to bed whenever I want, sometimes I can't fall asleep, and masturbate too much. Why? Why am I doing this to myself?! Is this really about Christie or something more? Was I already a ticking timebomb waiting to go off? Or did I do this to myself? Both actually.
Before Christie, there were other girls. A lot of other girls, but I didn't sleep with them because I'm a decent idiot. I'm still a fucking virgin and I did this to myself. I could've slept with a woman. Easily. Well, maybe not that easily but I could've done it. But I needed to feel love, true love. I never felt that with anyone except Christie and Mariah. But I was brainwashed when I fell in love with Mariah and therefore I was not in love with Mariah. But I did fall for Christie hard. At first, I didn't even know she existed and then when I did I woke up. And when we became best friends, I thought that was awesome. But then I fell in love with her. And that is stupid when the other best friend doesn't love you that way. You rip out your heart, hand it to her, and all you get is a thanks and instructions to put it back in place.
Well, I never put it back. In fact, I threw it in the trash and I haven't retrieved it since. You see, with Christie: she was everything I wanted and needed. A best friend and a girl who actually loved me. Maybe not the way I wanted but she still loved me. She even said the words, "I love you" to me. Wrong context, but the words were the same words.
It's probably insulting to even mention any of these girls names but the only reason I mention Christie as an actual person and not just label her "the girl who got away" or "my lost soulmate" or "the tragic removal of the love my life" is because Christie is more than a label, she's a girl. A beautiful girl who I will never get over because I don't want to. All those songwriters that sing about how she was the one are liars when they find another one and then complain when she goes away. What went wrong? You didn't keep your vow you stupid motherfucker. You see, you only fall in love once and then after that you're just trying to gain back what you used to have with that special someone that broke your heart or died. It's one or the other. Sometimes it's both though.
So yeah, I'm miserable. I'm FUCKING MISERABLE! And I want to be this way. And you know what? Christie understood that because she was always sad. She was a sad messed up girl. Now, now she's better I think. But what the fuck do I know? We're not friends anymore. I just pray that she fixed herself and from my Twitter and Tumblr stalking (yep, I have a problem. Probably should be hospitalized) she's seems happy. And that's basically what I wanted: for her to be happy. Me? Fuck me. Not literally. I have never really cared about me. I just wanted someone to care about me because I can't really do it. With help I could. And Christie was my help and then she left and I was back to SQUARE ONE.
No, I'm not going to commit suicide because I still ironically love myself too much to do it but I don't really care what happens to me. I'll take risks. Sure. I'll take LOTS of risks. I don't give a fuck. Living a life with no risks is boring. But also, you need to know what you want. Daniel Radcliffe said it in an interview about The F. Word. Great movie. Lost it, but that's another story for another chapter. Anyway, Daniel said that the difference between him and Wallace is that Wallace never tries to see if Chantry actually likes him. He never had A) the guts and B) I don't think he really knew how. And for me and Daniel, that would have gotten me so pissed off. Like, what is it, bitch? Do you like me or do you not? Sorry, do you love me or do you not? Well, thankfully we humans don't always have to speak, we can also feel it.
But I got both: Christie did think about us but she didn't want to hurt me. Congrats, you failed. Why? BECAUSE YOU LEFT!
Ah, I don't blame her. I was scared too. But I'm older. Angrier, but older. I don't hate Christie. I can't. I still love her. I'm beginning to hate everybody else though and that's not healthy. I could fix this but I enjoy being broken because Christie was for so long and then she fixed herself. Me, well she won't help me so I guess I'll stay forever broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment