It's reading week and I should probably be doing school work but instead I'm writing this post. Feeling quite tired so I might just have a nap after I post this. I saw my psychiatrist because of, you know, the incident. If you're unsure about the incident please reply with your email and I'll give you a detailed description about it if you're interested.
Anyway, I still see a psychiatrist. He's more of the guy I go to for checkups just to make sure I'm doing alright. I was finally able to reason with him to make monthly meetings because these stupid appointments take up my time especially when I sit in a small enclosed room and talk about hardly anything. It's like having a casually constrained conversation with a neighbour except for the fact that you sit in a chair and your listener sometimes asks you questions about your health and other information like your sleep pattern, if you eat healthy, etc. I wanted to get rid of him so my friend suggested that I pretty much tell him I've cleansed myself, you know, (the whole incident happened with a girl) that I've come to terms with the fact that what happened in Kelowna could not be controlled by me and that I would like to apologize to the girl I hurt which I obviously can't do so I'm apologizing to my psychiatrist instead. Well, I'm still seeing the guy and all it did was provoke questions as to why I felt the need to apologize especially to my psychiatrist. But we seemed to conclude that it was good to get it out of my system. All that I really got out of my friend's advice was the fact that I sort of had a real conversation with my psychiatrist for about 5 minutes. I guess that's a good thing.
But when it comes to this girl, thoughts of her come and go. I mean, I'm single and a bit lonely so I think it makes sense for my thoughts to divert to what could've been and imagine that I still have a chance with this girl I sort of frightened. Healthy? I wouldn't think so but what choice do I have? I'm trying to move on but where exactly am I moving to? I'm not dating anyone and right now it seems no one would really wants to date me anyway.
Sometimes I feel like Matchbox Twenty's "The Difference":
I don't want nobody
Nobody don't want me
And I'm so sad so lonely
And I'm always landing on my feet
Though, I do want somebody I just don't know who really, just someone. I mean, we all need love in this world, right? And I don't mean family or friend love. I mean the real personal stuff.
But I guess that's kind of shallow; wanting someone but not knowing who.
But as the old cliché outlines: good things come to those who wait.
So until then, I wait.
I don't know where I'm headed but I do miss the excitement of Kelowna. Everything here in Toronto seems so dull. Though, I don't wish to be thrown back into a mental hospital and be deemed insane, but it would be nice to get back to my first writers' group and see my B.C. friends.
The writing group that I started at York though is growing. We had a table for the group on the 14 of February (yep, no real love there or secret Valentine, but I've always hated Valentine's Day anyway) and recruited some members. The only thing that excites me after reading week is starting up my group again. We have two more table meetings and hopefully we can even make money off some baked goods some members will bring. We also have a writing contest so I hope people get involved in that as well. Y U WRITE (York University writers' group) I feel is doing much better than UBCO WRITES (University of British Columbia Okanagan's writers' group). If I ever get back to B.C., I have some changes for the group that I think will really help UBCO WRITES expand.
Anyway, I still see a psychiatrist. He's more of the guy I go to for checkups just to make sure I'm doing alright. I was finally able to reason with him to make monthly meetings because these stupid appointments take up my time especially when I sit in a small enclosed room and talk about hardly anything. It's like having a casually constrained conversation with a neighbour except for the fact that you sit in a chair and your listener sometimes asks you questions about your health and other information like your sleep pattern, if you eat healthy, etc. I wanted to get rid of him so my friend suggested that I pretty much tell him I've cleansed myself, you know, (the whole incident happened with a girl) that I've come to terms with the fact that what happened in Kelowna could not be controlled by me and that I would like to apologize to the girl I hurt which I obviously can't do so I'm apologizing to my psychiatrist instead. Well, I'm still seeing the guy and all it did was provoke questions as to why I felt the need to apologize especially to my psychiatrist. But we seemed to conclude that it was good to get it out of my system. All that I really got out of my friend's advice was the fact that I sort of had a real conversation with my psychiatrist for about 5 minutes. I guess that's a good thing.
But when it comes to this girl, thoughts of her come and go. I mean, I'm single and a bit lonely so I think it makes sense for my thoughts to divert to what could've been and imagine that I still have a chance with this girl I sort of frightened. Healthy? I wouldn't think so but what choice do I have? I'm trying to move on but where exactly am I moving to? I'm not dating anyone and right now it seems no one would really wants to date me anyway.
Sometimes I feel like Matchbox Twenty's "The Difference":
I don't want nobody
Nobody don't want me
And I'm so sad so lonely
And I'm always landing on my feet
Though, I do want somebody I just don't know who really, just someone. I mean, we all need love in this world, right? And I don't mean family or friend love. I mean the real personal stuff.
But I guess that's kind of shallow; wanting someone but not knowing who.
But as the old cliché outlines: good things come to those who wait.
So until then, I wait.
I don't know where I'm headed but I do miss the excitement of Kelowna. Everything here in Toronto seems so dull. Though, I don't wish to be thrown back into a mental hospital and be deemed insane, but it would be nice to get back to my first writers' group and see my B.C. friends.
The writing group that I started at York though is growing. We had a table for the group on the 14 of February (yep, no real love there or secret Valentine, but I've always hated Valentine's Day anyway) and recruited some members. The only thing that excites me after reading week is starting up my group again. We have two more table meetings and hopefully we can even make money off some baked goods some members will bring. We also have a writing contest so I hope people get involved in that as well. Y U WRITE (York University writers' group) I feel is doing much better than UBCO WRITES (University of British Columbia Okanagan's writers' group). If I ever get back to B.C., I have some changes for the group that I think will really help UBCO WRITES expand.
You shouldn't think of your psychiatrist as some sort of prison warden or parent who's there to make sure you don't do anything they disapprove of. From what I've seen, psychiatrists really are there for your benefit, someone you can share with and work with to discover more about yourself.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I feel everyone could benefit from having a psychiatrist to talk to - they don't need to be hurting or in anguish. It's just a good place to sort out your thoughts and feelings. If you go back there, just think of it as an opportunity for guided introspection. People frankly need more of that, even sensitive writers!
I guess you're kind of right.
ReplyDelete