THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: BARNEY STINSON MAY BE THE BIGGEST WOMANIZER ON THE PLANET (AND REMAIN GAY) BUT HE STILL IS THE SADDEST MAN

Barney Stinson, NOT Neil Patrick Harris. Neil Patrick Harris is awesome! Think about it: this man hides from everyone: Ted, Robin, Lily, Marshall, and everybody else. He lies, he cheats, he sleeps, he eats. He’s a fucking baby with suits and other qualities. You know what’s the most depressing part of Barney Stinson? He falls in love with his kid. HIS KID! Not his wife or whomever he banged to produce that child. HIS KID! Hey, that’s nice. But you know what’s nicer? LOVING THE WOMAN WHO PRODUCED THAT CHILD! Anyway, I am rewatching How I Met Your Mother and now I realize how painful Barney’s life is. I never want to be this man. Ted Mosby’s a slut. Shut up. I will never be Barney or Stupid Ted. I am slutty Ted, but only one person can call me that. Ah Hell, everyone can call me that. Doesn’t change me and doesn’t make me think less of myself.

When I was younger, I admired Barney. I thought suits were so cool that I tried it out. I went to a strip club with my friend Sam and we both wore suits. We pretended we were T.V. Anchors and this girl (stripper) really wanted me to go to the V.I.P. room. I didn’t go because A) I AM NOT BARNEY and B) I didn’t have the money. But then we hit a downward spiral where I go into The Madison wearing a suit trying to pick up a girl. The only women I did pick up were older woman who complimented my suitmanship skills. Fuck you, bitches. Honestly, that’s depressing. And this is why I hate The Maddie. Also for another reason but I think that’s one’s psychological. Anyway, it’s miserable watching Barney be an idiot. The brilliance of How I Met Your Mother is character development. You know what that means? People change. Walter White changes into Heisenberg. Marshall changes from weak to strong. Lily changes from cute to a cute mom. Robin changes from closed to open. Barney changes from a liar, a cheat, a scumbag to a man who finally understand what LOVE is. Ted changes from desperate, lonely, hopeless to a changed man because he marries a beautiful woman. So Married Ted becomes HAPPY. Tracy changes from a pushover to STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, INDEPENDENT, LOVING, WOMAN. She has the most rapid change because well, duh. As my friend TradeMark points out, there are no changes in Friends. She’s right! Everyone stays the same. Everyone remains archetypes of themselves. You can try to squeeze change out of the show but good luck. As Dominic’s girlfriend points out: Friends is a sitcom and sitcoms don’t have changing characters. She’s right. Seinfeld’s the same thing and (I hate to admit it) but THE MINDY PROJECT! But I think everyone on this Earth now realizes why I even watched that show. This is disappointing. COMEDIES, LISTEN UP! Be more real. Be more like dramas. I think How I Met Your Mother is the only comedic show that has shown change within its characters so they become people and not archetypes. This is important. This is what makes good writing: good characters. That and good dialogue. The only reason J.K. Rowling is famous, the only reason Jack Reacher is on film, and the only reason so many good shows and movies exist is because of good snappy dialogue. There are many different ways to write a show, movie, book, whatever but writers need to realize that when something works: it has to always work. Dark Places didn’t do so well on Netflix and I don’t know how it fared with the reading crowd, but Gillian Flynn screwed up. She knows it, I know it, and so do many others. Something clicked with Gone Girl that didn’t click with any other book she’s written. Sorry, Gillian. Same with J.K. Rowling. No other book of Jo’s has been highlighted to the same success as Harry Potter. NOTHING! And that must hurt. I think that’s why she’s going back to her roots. I mean, she never said she would never explore Harry Potter’s world again, but that Harry wouldn’t be the main character. Well, guess what? Her latest book is not about Harry, but about his son. Albus? I think. Anyway, with that out of the way I just want to write that shows are moving in a positive direction and I want this to continue. We need more shows like How I Met Your Mother; we really do. The world knows we need more real life comedies.

With writes,

-Andy Ruffett

THE RUFFFETT CHAPTERS: The Problem with Christie

Kids, the problem with Christie is that she is Tracy. But the problem with Tracy is A) she's not real B) she's fictional and C) she's too perfect.

There's is nothing wrong with Tracy. Where are the flaws? There's got to be something Ted does not like about Tracy. She is not perfect. The only people who are perfect live in storybooks. Doesn't Tracy tell Ted that he should stop living in a storybook, to stop living in a fairytale?

The problem with How I Met Your Mother is that the kids never really learn about Tracy. They learn about Ted's version. I guess, in a way it's nice. But it's make Tracy basically a memory, not a human. She's a human with imperfections.

Kids, that's love.

Love has no perfections. Love is blind. Love is hard, love is hard to find. But when you find love and when you find it with that right girl, that right boy, nothing else fucking matters. Why? Because you're together. Sure, there will be fights. But we get through them.

The reason we don't see Tracy's flaws is because she doesn't have any. At least, in Ted's mind and eyes. 

This is Professor Mosby Signing off as Andy Ruffett.

With writes.

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: A Greek Thing

Or maybe it's a Christie Thing. It's certainly not a half-Greek thing because all my Greek friends have come to my house but I've never been to theirs. Why I haven't been to Christie's makes sense but what about George? I'm not planning to have sex with George. George says that it's because his house is always being renovated. But isn't it funny? I've never been to any of my Greek friend's houses: Spiro, George, Christie, (I guess Christie's really an exfriend, right? Nah.) and any other Greek friends I haven't mentioned. I've been to Half-Greek houses but never Full-Greek houses. Well, Greek friends. Obviously I've been to Full-Greek people's houses but they were either relatives or friends of my parents or other family members which technically makes them family. Why am I writing this? I don't know, I just thought it's interesting. Food for thought.

With writes,

-Andy Ruffett

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: Curfews

This is the chapter where I complain. Fuck you, these are my CHAPTERS! Anyway, fuck curfews. According to my parents I shouldn't be on this computer because I should be sleeping. I'm only allowed on the computer at 8 A.M. until 11 P.M. Well, fuck that. I tried to go back to sleep and failed so now I'm up. Sorry, PARENTS.

God, I hate living at home. There are so many rules that a 24-year-old should never have. Oh, right, sorry, I'm sick. Right, forgot. Well, who said it was your life anyway? Oh, right, sorry, you live here too. Well, I'm sorry, I'm not here by choice I'm here because of circumstances. Stop telling me it's by choice. You think I enjoy living here and remaining unemployed? NO! You think I'm not trying? Seriously? Fuck you. No, I don't actually mean that. I just wrote it so you would shut the fuck up. Oh, I'm sorry. Apparently I have a swearing problem and can't control my emotions. Well, you know what? IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!

Seriously, living at home sucks. Yes, I'm not doing much to fix my situation but the point is, I AM TRYING. Maybe my parents don't see proof but I don't need to prove anything to anyone but myself. And to me, I'm improving. Between you and me reader, I was never sick in the first place. But let's keep that between us, O.K.?

Cool. You're a good friend.

With writes,

-Andy Ruffett

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: I've Changed

Ever since Kelowna, I changed. I changed from the happygolucky kid to this depressed sack of shit. What changed? Or was I always this way? There are so many things I have not accomplished in this basketcase life of mine but there have also been so many things I have accomplished: I ran two technically successful writers' groups. The first one in Kelowna didn't last long so that's why it's technical. Of course, my presence there was also technical. The one at York, still works. Sure, my V.P. has now taken charge since I've retired from life but hey, it's a big job running a group especially for a job where my only pay was writing and feedback. I'm still alive. That's a HUGE accomplishment. I don't know, I've gone to school, I've written many books. Nothing published, but still. I have a great group of friends and I'm loved. Yeah, those are good things. Then are the bad things: I'm not published, I'm still single, I still live at home, and I'm still unemployed. Oh yeah, and I don't give a shit about anything.

So what changed? I grew up. I realized life isn't a fucking box of chocolates, it's a toxic wastebin of shit. Sometimes and sometimes not and for me right now, it's all the time. Why? Because I don't care. I already wrote that above. Sorry, I don't give a shit. Seriously, idiots, read between the lines or at least understand the definition of "synonyms" or "rephrasal". Oh, that's not a word? Fuck you, Firefox.

Let's look at my life so far: as a child I was happy because I didn't know what sadness was. When I was in elementary school apparently I was bullied but I was blind to it. In middle school, I wrote my first novel and had my first real crush. She didn't like me and I moved on, but I was famous in my school or at least in my classroom. Everyone knew who I was because of a fucking book. That is pretty cool. High school, I was popular. Maybe not as popular as the popular kids but I was popular. I even had a girlfriend for the close of high school. She dumped me, but the whole relationship was a lie anyway. Well, in my perspective. Then, I'm finally tired of my education and travel with two guys: one a friend and one not. And as the travelling progressed I realized that I really hated this man. Then my friend leaves and so does the annoying person so I'm stuck in Europe alone. Then I got sad. I got really sad. Probably depressed is a good word. There were so many memorable moments on my trip that I wanted to share my experiences with. A girl preferably, but anyone would do. But a part of me realized I was alone and I would remain alone for most of the trip. Sure, I had the odd travel buddy because I'm very likable. But soon they disappeared and so did I. Dating would have been a stupid because I knew I wouldn't find my true love on a trip. Besides, what if I did fall in love? How would that even work out? No. I knew I needed to find my soulmate in Toronto. I think I knew that was how it had to be. Then university happened and I went to Kelowna where I met Mariah who tricked me into loving her even though I already sort of had a crush on her. Then I had a mental breakdown and thought I was involved in some conspiracy that all the smart people tried to deny and hoped I would soon deny. It's called a mental breakdown for a reason!

Anyway, I soon got over that and the fact that the rest of my education would be continued in Toronto so I accepted York with shrugged arms. Then I met Christie and I realized that I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't keep tricking myself into loving someone. I either loved them or I didn't. And if they didn't love me, but I loved them, so be it. I was tired of sitting in the backseat. I know the backseat too well and I thought it was about damn time I became the driver or at least the passenger. So I grabbed the steering and even though I crashed multiple times, I kept crashing into Christie. And she liked it. I mean, who doesn't love attention? Really? You have a problem. Don't worry, so do I. Different problem but we can work it out. We have meetings every Wednesday. That's today? You're in luck, Chuck.

Then there was Priscila but that was never really a thing because that girl thought I was too clingy. Well, I was. But so is Christie. She clung onto me because she needed me and I needed her. And finally I realized that I didn't care if Christie and I dated. Finally I decided that I didn't give a fuck if anyone loved me or if anyone dated me. I just knew I had found my soulmate because of all the times Christie and I crashed into each other even if I was the one doing the crashing. My best friend, my love of my life. I knew I was right. Christie kept trying to correct me but I had learned that the heart knows what it wants and no one can sway you away from that. Christie could've left me. I was waiting for that day actually. But again, I had to initiate that. So I did. I went completely ballistic on Facebook and Christie got rid of me. Mission accomplished?

Yeah, technically so. She was free and I was free. But I was broken and could never be repaired without Christie's love. And she knew it and I knew it but she couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't have a best friend cling to her thinking of the what-ifs even though she had thought of them too. She fucking cried when I brought up marriage! MARRIAGE! As my friend Whitney facebooked me, THAT'S A BIG DEAL! It was and still is. Christie shrugged it off as her being emotional and having anxiety but I knew that was bullshit. Yes, Christie has anxiety but she also loved me. Probably still does. You never really get over someone you truly, truly love. And Christie truly, truly loved me. But maybe she loves someone more than me and that's why we're not together. She could not fall madly in love with but I could and did and still am in love with her. I guess this is my punishment from God. Sorry, Mate. I'm not sure what I did wrong but I guess it was bad.

With writes,

-Andy Ruffett

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: My Sister's Blindness

She's a slut! I don't give a fuck. My sister was wrong. What she had with her boyfriend I had with Christie except the dating part and that's what broke me. How could a girl this beautiful not be into me? How? By lying. By lying to herself and then consequently lying to me. Sister, Christie thought about me! I don't know how often, but she did. Probably as much as I thought about her. People come into our hearts for a reason and Christie's reason was that I was supposed to love this girl forever. That is why I still do.

You see, when it comes to love it doesn't matter if you're dating them or not. When you love someone, you can't give them up even after they give up. That is one of the hardships of love. But if you're strong, you won't let it bring you down like it's done to me. If you're strong, you don't give up on love and you certainly don't give up on the one you love.

So fuck you. Everybody, fuck you. You don't get it and you never will. And you know what? I don't fucking care. You don't need to know. All you need to know is I will smash your teeth in if you criticize Christie. What? You don't think I have it in me. JUST TRY ME MOTHERFUCKER!

With writes,

-Andy Ruffett

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: GILLIAN FLYNN HATES MEN!

Does Gillian Flynn hate men? I wonder. I know she's married, but still, DOES SHE HATE MEN?

My mom told me not to read Dark Places because of how horrific it was. Well, they made a movie of that one too but they always make bad movies. I tried Sharp Objects but couldn't get into it. I'm still reading The Cuckoo's Calling but that's because I like Cormoran Strike. He's a character. A REAL PERSON figuratively. Preaker doesn't feel real and the book seems more focused on the dialogue than the actual story. Sorry, Gillian but to me your two other books suck and Gone Girl is a masterpiece. But why do you hate Nick so much?

In the end, Nick loses completely. He loses Amy and Andie. I get what you're writing about and it's what I've always feared: divorce. What if I get married and it doesn't work? In religious times you were bonded to your mate for life no matter if you liked it or not. The only way you could get out of marriage was for your wife to die and then you could remarry. Well, who says no husband killed their wife back then because that was the only way? Now we have divorce. Why do we have divorce? We have divorce so men and women don't feel trapped in their marriage. But here's my question: why the fuck did you marry them in the first place?

Sure, tell me that things change. But you know what I say? Bullshit. If you begin to not love someone, someone that you married then you should have never married at all. I know all the divorcees agree. You have to be sure when it comes to marriage. So what happened in Gone Girl? How did Nick make a mistake with Amy? Nick married a pychopath. That's what happened. And no one can predict you're marrying a psychopath.

Still, why doesn't Nick get a happy ending because it's cliché? If that's the reason you didn't write Nick's happy ending, fuck you Gillian. Nick deserves so much more than that. His life with Andie IS a cliché.

I just think unless you have some deep hated passion for men, your ending makes no sense. Why is Nick punished for what he did to Amy? What's your message? I know you understand crime. You studied it as a journalist. Still, why doesn't Nick get a happy ending? So here's your challenge: your next book has a happy ending because I doubt you've written one of those yet.

With writes,

-Andy Ruffett