THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: Break ing do wn

Hello again.

This hopefully won't be a regular thing.

I'm breaking down.

Let me break it down for you.

I'

m

break

ing

dow

n

All my life I have been strong and content. Then I met this fabulous girl and when she left me, I lost everything. NO, I'm not typing her name here. Her name is irrelevant. The point is that she saw through me when no one else could. Not my mom, not my father, and not even my sister.

NO ONE SAW ME THE WAY SHE SAW ME.

And it hurt me. Do you know how hard it is to communicate to someone when you're broken? Difficult but not impossible.

And the crazy part is she didn't even know what she was doing. She was just being she and I was trying to be me but struggling. REALLY struggling.

She made me realize I should be happy as me and not these fucked up versions of me. My parents want a different me. They want their son back. Well, guess what? Your son never left, but you did. You left a long time ago and I wish you would come back because I need you. I need you as much as I need her.

But she's gone and I should move on.

But fuck moving on.

With writes,

-Hopeless Taxi (Andy Ruffett)

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: I Have No Friends

That's not true. I have many friends. But I have never felt that any of those friends I've been really close to except George and Mike. They are my best friends. Sorry everyone else who is not reading this anyway since I didn't send you the link.

There is Dominic and Mitch though. Are they friends of mine? Yes, but they're not my best friends. We don't connect the same way that I connect with Mike and George. Mike and George I could call on a whim and ask out and they would be down. Yes, I said "ask out". No, I'm not gay. Shit, did I just confirm that I am? Sorry. I'M NOT GAY. I have nothing against Gay people I'm just not one of them. Sorry, boys. Go find someone else to enjoy.

Anyway, where was I? I find that you have some friends that only enjoy going to the bar. They're not down for anything else. George and I, we can do anything. Mike and I, we mostly go see films but it's always fun with them. Bars are not always fun. Sorry, Dominic and Mitch. Hey guys, if you have better ideas: let me know. There's a FOR THE WIN by my place that I'd love to go to.

Currently, I am unemployed and miserable. My best friend Christie left me a year ago and I deeply miss her. Every day I miss her. I really wish she was back with me. I've changed, Christie! I've changed! The thing with Christie is she is beautiful and she could have any guy she ever wanted and she never wanted me. And you can't be friends with someone who you secretly have a crush on. But it wasn't a secret: she knew full well that I was in love with her. And it hurt her because she knew she couldn't love me the same way. Now, I need her. Everyone else I hang out with, I just don't feel the same passion for. Yes, I want to date Christie. But I also loved our hangouts. She was never judgemental of me. I could be free and myself with her more than anyone else.

There's my friend Taylor. She's a cool gal, but I don't know maybe it's because of the romantic relationship that I wanted with Christie that just makes me need Christie more than Taylor. I don't know.

No. I'm not ending this post with "I don't know". I must continue. I guess I'm an extremely lonely fuck who's gone off the rails lately. I would write about unemployment but that's for another time.

With writes,

-Sad Andy (Andy Ruffett)

THE RUFFETT CHAPTERS: I Just Want a Friend

Apparently my chapters have now become titles of songs I madeup. Hello everyone, I'm back. I know no one will respond to this because I'm no longer on Facebook. But fuck it. I'm here now so let's get started: another job and another rejection. It's like my books, love relationships, and basically everything else in general. I still live at home and I'm 24. Yep, life sucks.

With writes,

-Pathetic Peter (Andy Ruffett)

A Family is What Matters

Is it too early for me to be thinking of settling down? Probably. Especially since I don't have a wife let a lone a girlfriend. But it's true, I want to start my own family. If you read my recent Ruffett Chapter you would know that I discussed getting a real job rather than just working minimum wage jobs. You might also know from other Ruffett Chapters that I've been watching a lot of Friends episodes, in fact, I just finished the series.

Watching Friends though might have to do with why I want to have a family given that so many babies are born and taken care of in that show. I guess when you get older you begin thinking about these things. I mean, I don't know where I'll be in 10 years let alone 5, but I hope my future is not just me alone on my Macbook trying to make a living through writing. It would be nice to have at least one child and loving wife to see every day. But who am I kidding? I don't even have a girlfriend. Well, a man can dream.

I just can picture myself with my kids in the backyard, maybe reading to them from my own books or from theirs. Maybe I'll even have my own office, and a nice desk with a large Mac. Of course, my vision is that I'm famous and well known and I take my kids and my wife to my readings. I also will have been or will be on The Ellen DeGeneres show as that's a huge dream of mine.

I remember one of my friends asked me if I would want to have kids or adopt and I said I would want to have my own and her reason to not have kids was that we don't need more humans taking up space in this world. She made a valid point and that adoption would make more sense as you're giving a child a home rather than birthing a child to grow up in a house. One of the greatest gifts you can give is raising and taking care of a child and it's even more special if you reach into your heart and care for and love a child who never had a family.

As much as having your own kids would be, adoption makes sense. Still, it is nice to know that you have a child that has your traits rather than them belonging to someone else.

It's a hard decision and obviously I don't need to make this decision now but these are the things I think about.

I probably should work on getting a girlfriend first before I try to live my dream and as of the moment I'm nowhere near the dating scale. I think I need a wingman to help me out. Great, now I have to find one.

Education. I Want to Live Alone.

So my actual full year of university is coming to an end and I'm already losing faith in the whole education system. Sometimes I sit in my room trying to compose an essay or write something and I keep thinking to myself, Why? Where is my life going? Why am I still in school when I don't believe in this whole education experience? The root of education comes from the Latin word "educat" which means to "lead out." Well, not only am I not being lead, but I have a desire to lead instead. Also, I don't find that I'm learning at all. Really, education is all about lead learning but how do you learn when all you do is regurgitate information, listen to professors drone all day, and feel as if the only thing you're contributing to the educational system is a body in a chair and money? Well, as far as actual studies. Outside of that, my writers' group is thriving and we've recruited a lot of new members none of which seem to show up to the meetings but that's a whole different matter entirely.

Back to my main point, honestly, I feel I could teach some of my classes far better than my professors. Concerning? I think so! I think it's worse to sit in a classroom and learn that not only do you not need this course but you could teach the subject matter better.  It's better to be a sheep than a sheep who thinks and knows they can lead the whole herd.

____________________________________________________________________________________

I don't know when i wrote the above but I have to agree with myself. Education is not doing much for me. Actually, quite frankly, not much is. I find that work is more entertaining than my life outside of it. I mean, let's think about this: my sister's at McGill, my friends are either in British Columbia or outside of Toronto, and I mostly sit at home. Yes, I work out (occasional bike rides down to the waterfront which need to become more consecutive) and try to not spend my whole day sitting but that seems to be what I do. I want an interesting life with fun and excitement, not some boring one where every day seems to be a repeat of the last one. "Same Shit, Different Day." That T-shirt would look good on me.

I think one of these things that would help me is if I had my own place. But I find though that it's quite stupid to have your own place in the same city where your parents live. It's like someone offering to drive you down to New York. You could take the bus and waste more money, but why would you decline common courtesy especially when you have a live person to talk to rather than some listening device or a book? Plus, you're usually lonely on a bus. Actually, that's my mother's argument: that I would be lonely if I lived alone. Well, as contradictory as that reads, I disagree. I think living on my own would be grand. I was talking to a guy at work today who said he's so happy that he's living alone. I mean, you have so much freedom and you can do whatever you want. Stay up late and there's not one to really boss you around. I mean, I'm 21 and have quite a lot of freedom in my house, but I still thinking renting an apartment would be worthwhile. But I wouldn't live here. But then again, maybe I would. I found that when I was back in Kelowna, I made friends quite easily, and living by myself was simply the best. Maybe if I was far enough away from my parents in Toronto, I would be satisfied. But then, if I went to York, I would just be shooting myself in the foot. You know that old cliché: "hit two birds with one stone"? Well, I'm the bird and two stones are being flung at me, knocking me out.

It doesn't seem I'm going back to U.B.C.O. and since I've already made it into the Creative Writing Program at York, I probably should just accept that I'm living in good ol' T.O. for now.

Still, it would be nice to have my own place. If only I had roommates.

Writing Another Book

I have many books on the go. This recent one I'm trying to write has to do with the events of Kelowna. I might write two parts of this book, when with the boy's perspective and one with the girl's but as I haven't even finished Chapter 1, I have a while to go. I have quite a lot to get done which also happens to be lingering school work. As I've read from LinkedIn it's good to have multiple projects on the go. And boy, do I have lots of projects: school work, have to look over the edits of my first book The Wrongdoer for the editor I'm paying, have to record another book a friend of mine, and I probably should edit multiple poems which were sent back to me when I submitted them to some magazines.

Long months of writing ahead.

Reading Week

It's reading week and I should probably be doing school work but instead I'm writing this post. Feeling quite tired so I might just have a nap after I post this. I saw my psychiatrist because of, you know, the incident. If you're unsure about the incident please reply with your email and I'll give you a detailed description about it if you're interested.

Anyway, I still see a psychiatrist. He's more of the guy I go to for checkups just to make sure I'm doing alright. I was finally able to reason with him to make monthly meetings because these stupid appointments take up my time especially when I sit in a small enclosed room and talk about hardly anything. It's like having a casually constrained conversation with a neighbour except for the fact that you sit in a chair and your listener sometimes asks you questions about your health and other information like your sleep pattern, if you eat healthy, etc. I wanted to get rid of him so my friend suggested that I pretty much tell him I've cleansed myself, you know, (the whole incident happened with a girl) that I've come to terms with the fact that what happened in Kelowna could not be controlled by me and that I would like to apologize to the girl I hurt which I obviously can't do so I'm apologizing to my psychiatrist instead. Well, I'm still seeing the guy and all it did was provoke questions as to why I felt the need to apologize especially to my psychiatrist. But we seemed to conclude that it was good to get it out of my system. All that I really got out of my friend's advice was the fact that I sort of had a real conversation with my psychiatrist for about 5 minutes. I guess that's a good thing.

But when it comes to this girl, thoughts of her come and go. I mean, I'm single and a bit lonely so I think it makes sense for my thoughts to divert to what could've been and imagine that I still have a chance with this girl I sort of frightened. Healthy? I wouldn't think so but what choice do I have? I'm trying to move on but where exactly am I moving to? I'm not dating anyone and right now it seems no one would really wants to date me anyway.

Sometimes I feel like Matchbox Twenty's "The Difference":

I don't want nobody
Nobody don't want me
And I'm so sad so lonely
And I'm always landing on my feet

Though, I do want somebody I just don't know who really, just someone. I mean, we all need love in this world, right? And I don't mean family or friend love. I mean the real personal stuff.

But I guess that's kind of shallow; wanting someone but not knowing who. 

But as the old cliché outlines: good things come to those who wait.

So until then, I wait.

I don't know where I'm headed but I do miss the excitement of Kelowna. Everything here in Toronto seems so dull. Though, I don't wish to be thrown back into a mental hospital and be deemed insane, but it would be nice to get back to my first writers' group and see my B.C. friends.

The writing group that I started at York though is growing. We had a table for the group on the 14 of February (yep, no real love there or secret Valentine, but I've always hated Valentine's Day anyway) and recruited some members. The only thing that excites me after reading week is starting up my group again. We have two more table meetings and hopefully we can even make money off some baked goods some members will bring. We also have a writing contest so I hope people get involved in that as well. Y U WRITE (York University writers' group) I feel is doing much better than UBCO WRITES (University of British Columbia Okanagan's writers' group). If I ever get back to B.C., I have some changes for the group that I think will really help UBCO WRITES expand.